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the ten latest / contents
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| Linford ChristieThe Playground Transcripts. |
| Sigmund Freud, aged 13 innocently playing with his mate...along comes the school bully.
Bully: Hey, look, it's tweedy Freud. Nice jacket Sigmund, did your mummy buy it for you? Freud: Of course, I am not of an age to purchase goods for oneself. Bully: Your mum is crap at buying clothes...and she's crap in bed...I fucked your mum!! Freud: That is both implausible and absurd. Bully: I FUCKED YOUR MUM, I FUCKED YOUR MUM... Freud: I am of the belief that it is your own mother with whom you wish to have sexual relations with... Bully: ?!? Freud:...furthermore, you also envy the penis of your father as it is he who indeed does have intercourse with your mother. Bully: ?!? Freud: Fag...(as Bully retreats) YOUR MUMS A SLAG!! |
| Written by Jamie Scott - permalink |
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| Linford ChristieHarry Potter And The Half-Baked Prince Of Bel Air |
| Harry rose from his deep slumber and wearily rubbed the dried ketchup from his glasses. It had been a long night and the dawn seemed to have crept up on him unexpectedly, like a crisp, dew-covered blanket.
"That's better", he said to the ginger one. I can see through the window now. Look, there's a dog sniffing that other dog's face.” "I'll put the Playstation on", said the ginger one. “I’ve got Dermot O’Leary Euro Dance Dance Fever”, to which Harry replied, “But you dance like a big squid. And you’ve got flappy arms, like a bummer.” Suddenly, the girl one burst into the room. “Quick, everyone! The Fresh Prince of Bel Air needs our help! We are to meet the Wizards of the Magical Magic Castle who will give us some magical stones! Jump on my magical carpet!” “Yeah, but at least my sister isn’t a complete spastic.” |
| Written by ponky - permalink |
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| Linford ChristieTO THE EXTREMEZZZ |
| BLAM!
Smooth-bonced thespian and pro breakdancer Vin Deisel basked in almost post-coitial bliss as he HALO dived away from the exploding superhuey helicopter full of prostitutes, drugs and porn magazines. It would be a while before those trendy european anarchists tried anything again! Because he'd fucking killed them all. To the extreme. While drinking Pepsi Max through a web-enabled crack bong or some shit. Fuck! xXx prepared to open his chute as a hail of shredded gumble and bones and teeth and blood and coke rained over the mean LA streets. All of a sudden xXx realised something about his 'chute... he didn't have one! He was just that fucking extreme. The awesome music of Rammstein blared out as xXx prepared to cushion his fall with his face. He knew he would need all the skills he'd learned playing FPS games on his Sony PlayStation 2 to survive this. Crack! Vin landed on a crack dealer and rolled behind a trash can. The crack dealer died almost instantly and barely had time to SHIT HIS FUCKING PANTS. Vin then punched a terrorist leader so hard his car exploded. Then he drank a beer and fucked a hot chick lol |
| Written by King Prawn - permalink |
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| Linford ChristieGarfield Does Odie |
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| Written by rosy rockets - permalink |
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| Linford ChristieGoodbye Gratuitous Nudity |
| “What're you doing?!” God jumped down from the cloud he had been sat on and glared at Adam and Eve.
“What d'you mean?” Adam stepped out from behind the bush where he and Eve had been playing a wholesome game of marbles under the guise of having loud raucous sex. “The fig leaves.” God jabbed at Adam, almost poking the fig leaf right off his body. “What are you wearing clothes for? You don't wear clothes!” “We do now,” Eve stepped from behind the bush and pointed to the very smell fig leaves adorning her body. 'Lo, the first bikini was formed. “We were naked!” “I know you were naked! You're supposed to be!” God huffed, the breeze wafted at the fig leaves precariously. “..Take them off!” “..No!” Adam looked horrified, he took a step back behind the bush. “C'mon!” God prodded at Eve, trying to pull off the fig leaves, but she slapped his hand. “Please!” “No! Fuck off will you!? Just fuck right off!” Eve scurried behind the bush. “Yeah, fuck off Grandad!” Adam threw a pear at God, while Eve piped up a chorus of "PERVERT!" which lasted till dawn. |
| Written by Askrat - permalink |
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| Linford ChristieWord. |
| “Take the blue pill and the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe,” His sunglasses were awfully black, and the room was dark pretty dark anyway.. “Take the red pill and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.”
Mr. Anderson thought for a moment, cocking his head to the side and stroking his godly chin. “Wait a minute,” He waggled a finger, grinning boyishly. “I know your game!”He slapped his knee cheerfully, shaking his head. “Excuse me?” The stranger narrowed his eyes, but Mr. Anderson couldn't see shit because of those ridiculous glasses. “I know! I don't need any free trial, thank yuh Mister!” He reached over and pinched Morpheus' cheek. “I'm not-” “Nah, not into that hardcore stuff!” “Mr. Anderson, please-” “I know your type, all 'up in tha westside, eh?” Mr. Anderson chuckled, throwing up an outdated gang sign. “I'm down with you.. homie.” “Oh, fuck this!” Morpheus got up from his seat and walked out. |
| Written by Askrat - permalink |
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| Linford ChristieBrain Damage |
| “What are we selling again?”
“I'm sleepy.” “Has the meeting started already?” “I have a sick note.” “Some people consider me too wonderful to be allowed to remain living,” He jutted his hips, exposing his large package to the rest of the faculty. He did the pelvic thrust a few times, slapping his left buttock before walking dramatically out of the meeting. “Who is that guy?!” “Put it on a post-it and we'll address it next month,” said the head of the corporation, before swatting at the I.T Joe with a pointed stick. A woman in a suit took the stand, coughing to gain everyone's attention. The rest of the staff turned their heads expectantly. “I have brain damage,” She announced. A lower class citizen who happened to be walking by at the time popped his head through the window. “So do I,” he replied. |
| Written by Askrat - permalink |
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| Linford ChristieRomeo & Juliet_4_U |
| SEX CHAT
* Juliet_4_u- O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?". * Big_Cocks- If U wanna chat type 111 * Romeo- What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet * SexyAlan- Mwuuah Juliet hun ASL? * Romeo- It is the east, and Juliet is the sun * Juliet_4_u- Here’s to my love! O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die. BRB |
| Written by Brutal Misunderstanding - permalink |
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| Sky NewsPope Deathwatch |
| Male Anchor: Hello and welcome to day four of Sky News's exclusive coverage of the Pope's demise.
Female Anchor: We bring you all the latest news from the Vatican which is visible on the news ticker across the bottom of your screen, including the Pope's heart rate monitor and his ECG. MA: Now for some expert commentary from Ron Atkinson. Ron, what does the Pope mean to you? Ron: To be fair, the bloke's an inspiration to us all, and at the end of the day we'll all miss him. FA: Who's your tip to succeed John Paul, Ron? Ron: I'll tell you who it won't be. Not that bleedin' jungle bunny. FA: You can't say that Ron. We might all be thinking it but... Ron: OK then. I'll apologise in case his mother's listening up a tree in Africa. And another thing... MA: I'll have to interrupt you there Ron, because, if you'll cast your eyes to the bottom of the screen the Pope is flatlining. He's finally POPEd his clogs. Remember, you heard it here first. FA: We'll be back after this. (Cue that fucking frog advert x4) |
| Written by LBS - permalink |
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| Terry WoganEurovision 2005 - Opening Travelogue |
| Kiev, capital of the Ukraine. Home of the Mini Chicken Kiev. "Mini Chicken Kievs!" says the lady in the advert. They're not real chicken though. They mince up all the fannies and lips and that with chemicals. Taste nice, though.
A church. Another church. Some churches. Ah - a lovely girl on a motorbike carrying her shopping. Probably a prossie though. Well most of them are, you know, since that Yugoslavia thing with the Chech Rebels. And they bring them over to work in Soho for 5p an hour. Honest to God. A statue of a Russian with a sword. Another church. It says here, it was built by Amvr.. Amvsc... Amvyrscu... Amyvvru. It was built by Mr. Chumsy Wumsky Balaclava and Houdini Whereismy Fucking Kalashnikov. And they married potatoes and did that stupid sitting down Can-Can dancing and the women grew beards to keep them warm. Where's my Martini? I could have you shot, you know, my love. |
| Written by ponky - permalink |
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